weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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