everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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