sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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