I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
