Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
