Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
