He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
