So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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