I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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