Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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