i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
