i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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