dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
