You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
