In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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