I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
