i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
