My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
