so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
