Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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