To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
