This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
