Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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