im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
