At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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