i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
