So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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