seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
