My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
