Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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