Define "chronic" masturbator.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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