it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
What drink are we having for lunch?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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