Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
