You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
