I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sobbing to NWA
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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