so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize