I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
