Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
