Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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