FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
