mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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