his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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