I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
