Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
