And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Randomize
