Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
