So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
