I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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