You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize