I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You made out with two different species that night
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize