does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
