Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
