Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
