smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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