turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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