Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
