never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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