how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
