I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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