I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
