I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
