Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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