Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize