Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
