also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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