i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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