There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
