Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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